jigsaw

Whether someone comes to you for help, or you start the conversation, offering a non-judgemental, listening ear to someone in distress may be the most helpful thing you can do.

If you feel uncomfortable just think about how you would want someone to treat you in a similar situation. Try and put yourself in their shoes, and empathise with the person in front of you.

If someone approaches you for help

It is a great sign of trust and respect for someone to come to you with a concern, and listening to them is a powerful way of supporting them. It might be difficult for them to speak about their situation (you may be the first, or only, person they talk to), so try to be patient and give them time.

• Listen to what they are saying. Try not to tell them what you think they should do; just listen.
• Focus on them. Listening takes a lot of effort. Try not to do anything else while they are talking and concentrate on listening to what they are saying. Turn off the mobile, and offer them a cup of tea.
• Be patient. They may feel angry, upset or unable to speak easily. Don’t be afraid of their tears or silence - they are both very natural.
• Ask open-ended questions. (“what do you think...” / “how do you feel about...” / “why...”).
• Make sure you've understood. Summarise or rephrase what they say to you every so often. This will also reassure them that you are listening.
• Focus on the biggest concern. If it is unclear, ask them what they are concerned about most.
• Remember you can't fix things for them. You may be able to help with some things (like spending more time with them, going to an appointment with them, helping them plan how they will talk to someone else) but it’s important to realise that you can’t fix everything, no matter how much you want to.
• Find positives. Point out the things that they are doing well, or the strengths that they have. Sometimes it's easy to focus on the negative, so remind them of the things that they are already doing to cope (like talking to you)!
• Seek support. Remind them of people in their life that can provide more support - family members /friends /teachers /college support services / work mates. If you feel that your friend needs more support, you could suggest Jigsaw, if you live near one of our projects, or have a look at the support directory on the Headstrong website.
• Look after yourself. It can be hard to support someone through their problems and concerns, so make sure that you don’t take on their worries and become overburdened. You can’t look after anyone else unless you look after yourself.

Raising a concern

If you're worried about a friend or family member, or a young person you know, it can be very hard to know what to do. You may want to show them that you care, and that you're ready to listen, but are they ready to talk? And are they ready to acknowledge that there's a problem?

• Are you the right person?  Think about your relationship – might the approach come better from someone else?
• Choose a safe space. Remember to start the conversation somewhere they feel comfortable, and where they won't be embarrassed.
• Highlight a change, not a problem. The person themselves might not realise that anything is different, or think that they're hiding it well. Instead of suggesting that they have a problem, try stating that you have noticed a change and wonder if anything is bothering them.
• Start on easier ground. If possible, focus on concrete problems that the person will feel more comfortable discussing. For example – “I know you have been having trouble sleeping/ concentrating lately, would you like to talk to about it?”
• Be prepared. Think beforehand about steps you might be able to take to help, or other people who could get involved. Have a look at the support directory on the Headstrong website to find out more about organisations which can help, or find out about Jigsaw in your area.

If you work with young people you will find more ideas about how to offer support in our Schools and organisations section.